My new blog: What it should NOT say

OK, I'm blogging. I feel the world getting happier as a result.
This will be mostly a bike blog. I don't plan to rip the scabs off the open sores of my psyche for your entertainment unless it scores me some kind of reality show during the writer's strike: "The BIGGER Biggest Loser!"
I'll write about bikes, tell you things about my kids that maybe only one of us will think are cute and ramble on other stuff from time to time. But it will mostly be about bike riding and racing.
However, please do everyone a favor and shoot me if I start blogging like the stuff below. I mean, this stuff would be OK, I guess -- it must be, because a quick blog search for cycling would turn up a few thousand blogs that read like this.
They're fine. But they're below my standards because I personally wouldn't be happy unless I used more exclamation marks and crappier spelling.

Jan. 28: WAY 2 COLD 2 RIDE, DUDE! Did (fill in the boring workout routine here) on the trainer. Hope it gets me closer to my plan to peak for the (fill in the"A" race here).
Jan. 27: Here's my sweet new brake-cable set! (photo) First time I've used titanium cables. They cost $113, but shave 1.4 grams off the weight of my bike. And I hear they won't stretch as much. They're gonna be so awesome! I just know they'll be the difference at least once at the Covered Bridge race. I'm gonna get you, Stark Velo!!! Gotta get out to Bike Authority tonight so they can put these cables on and show me how to change a tube.
Jan. 25: I'm totally bummin about the latest doper news about (fill in rider name) and (fill in team name). I'm never watching another ProTour event again. Fuck those guys. Our version of the sport is pure. Theirs is corrupt. Bummer.
Jan. 20: Got my new Conti Gatorskins. Can't wait to ride them!!! I hear they're as smooth as tubulars only FLAT-PROOF!!! Great reviews on RBR! And I got them for only $46 each!
Jan. 16: Just got back from the 'cross race in (fill in southern state or county). I got thrashed. Broke 10 spokes, a chain and a clavacle and came in 22nd out of 24 in the C field. It is SO AWESOME!!! I'm thinking about making 'cross season my A races for '08!!! (Note: 10,500-word race review omitted here, as a public service. - ed.)
Jan. 15: Saw Dick Head on the road on his new carbon X-Peter 6969. What a wicked bike! Betcha it's 15 LBs tops! And it's so stiff but vertically compliant!! Those guys on Team Erectile Function get all the coolest stuff. I really, really, really hope they ask me to join them! (I've asked and begged!) That should motivate me to do my new interval routine: 10 reps of 40 min x 105% max HR, with 2 min. recovery between.
Jan. 12: Here's my dog chasing me around the yard (obligatory dog photo). He's so crazy!!! I wish he would stop biting, though. I won't make the Mid-Ohio race unless I take these stitches out myself.
Jan. 10: Placed my order for my new beater bike -- a Trek Madone 5.2. Got such a sweet deal on it -- only $2K 'cause it's an '07 and the Madone redesign and all. It will be my rain bike. Except that I, like everyone else in NE Ohio, am too big a pussy to ride unless the sun is out and it's 40+ degrees. But at least I now will have something I can call my beater bike that everyone will be jealous of. Gotta get a PowerTap for it.
Jan. 9: Only 4 weeks til our first team training camp at Bowling Green, KY. Yeah, it's not really "south," per se. But we fought against them in the Civil War, I think (and we KICKED REBEL ASS LIKE I'M GONNA DO AT THE STATE CRITS!!!). Anyway, warm is a relative thing -- gotta be better than shitty C-TOWN!!! Hope the ice isn't there this year. Climbing sucked last year when the roads were covered with half an inch of it. I so hate sliding backwards down a 10% slope. And I mega-hated sleeping in Joe's uncle's garage. But hey -- our team had a southern training camp! F--- you, Stark Velo! Yours sucked 'cause N. Carolina wasn't even Confederate!!! It's f---ing NORTH Carolina, idiots -- DUH!
Jan. 8: Sure is good to be divorced and have no freeloading, dead-weight girlfriend to bitch at me about doing stuff. I can spend 14 hours a week training and the rest drinking import beer and reading cycling sites on line ... (Note: God dictates this arrangement to prevent such gene pools from being passed on. - ed.)